How To Convert An Atheist
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Comments(12) As a Christian, it’s your God given mission to convert as many Atheists as humanly possible. Whilst it might seem an impossible task, be assured that it is not! Atheists are usually quite dull and will produce the same range of hopeless arguments against God. Here are some of the best ways to convert them to the path of righteousness.
- Ask the Atheist if they had any pets as a child, that are now dead. Remind him that their beloved friends will also be roasting in hell with them for all eternity if they do not accept Jesus into their life.
- Offer the Atheist a free gift if they confess to believing in Jesus. State that in order to receive their prize they must first attend Church on Sunday. If they show up at church, get the minister to trap the atheist into a net before throwing them into a swimming pool and baptising them. The trauma caused by this will instantly convert the Atheist into a God fearing Christian.
- Remind the Atheist that God has been watching them masturbate and that He’ll be demanding an explanation over why they had such a demented sex face every time they played with themselves.
- If the Atheist is an alcoholic, state that there is no beer in Heaven. This will work a treat.
- If the Atheist is a fat-ass, state that there are no burgers in Heaven. Ditto. You can use this tactic, regardless of the situation. Be sure to spot a weakness in the person’s character or appearance and exploit it for God!
Remember be persistant. You mightn’t convert the Atheist at the first time of asking, but keep trying! Eventually they’ll see the Holy Logic of God and will bask in his Glory. Amen!
Dude, there are totally hamburgers in heaven.
your a funny man… “theres no burgers in heaven?” best eat as many as i can while im on earth… ditto for beer and everything else. you fall into the same fundamentalist catagory as the muslims that preach jihadism to the youngsters
I smell a… POE!
… and people say I do drugs.
The flying spaghetti monster has a beer volcano in heaven… ;-P
“Ask the Atheist if they had any pets as a child, that are now dead. Remind him that their beloved friends will also be roasting in hell with them for all eternity if they do not accept Jesus into their life.”
-maybe I want to see my pets again. I don’t mind a little heat.
“Offer the Atheist a free gift if they confess to believing in Jesus. State that in order to receive their prize they must first attend Church on Sunday. If they show up at church, get the minister to trap the atheist into a net before throwing them into a swimming pool and baptising them. The trauma caused by this will instantly convert the Atheist into a God fearing Christian.”
-yeah. I’m sure that there’s some law to prevent stuff like that.
“Remind the Atheist that God has been watching them masturbate and that He’ll be demanding an explanation over why they had such a demented sex face every time they played with themselves.”
-Hey, Its his fault for making it feel so damn good.
“If the Atheist is an alcoholic, state that there is no beer in Heaven. This will work a treat.”
-how the hell will that work?
“If the Atheist is a fat-ass, state that there are no burgers in Heaven. Ditto. You can use this tactic, regardless of the situation. Be sure to spot a weakness in the person’s character or appearance and exploit it for God!”
-once again, How the hell will that work? also, does this mean that hell has booze and greecy food? Cause, that would make it just a bit more appealing than “heaven”.
My old dog is buried in the back yard. He got dug up by my other dog months later.
I know he’s been to hell because he smells real bad. i masturbated and sprogged in his eye sockets before putting him back
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sorry had to do it this shit cant be for real!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m going to HELL. yeeha! atleast there wont be any religious nuts there
hey man, try to throw a net over someone and put their head in water. They wont care what the reason, you’ll get arrested.
1st strategy: guilt/ threat
2nd strategy: bribery
3rd strategy: humiliation
4th strategy: doesn’t even make sense…
5th strategy: again, doesn’t even make sense…
This, honestly, is sad. This is incredibly truly and epically sad. It makes total sense that you don’t explain how to convert an atheist through simply stating how your religion works and how it could make them a better happier person, because frankly, it can’t, because how do you tell someone that by waking up early every sunday, dressing up, and listen to a man behind a podium threaten you for 5 hours for being human wouldn’t convert anybody huh? so instead you resort to this.. your whole conversion technique is based on not “why you should” but “what happens if you don’t” because you guys KNOW from an atheist point of view all of your logic sounds like total bull shit. Shame on you, it’s amazing how the people who think they are the most moral and riteous can really be the most evil… geeze maybe one day humans will actually stop fearing and start loving instead…
lol i got so much humor out of reading their ways to “convert us” not to mention that i would much rather hang out w/ the devil, he seems like a cool guy u could party w/. i would much rather be in hell, and not be w/ those anoying religous ppl. none of their stragys make sense, i know for a fact that they would not work on me!
“Atheists are usually quite dull and will produce the same range of hopeless arguments against God.” I don’t need to argue, no. I don’t even need to protest Christianity. I know a hard-headed idiot like you would understand. We just won’t accept the truth. Let us ignore the truth so we can make our own decisions. You can’t convince me that any of my dead pets are in heaven, or that heaven is real, or hell, because you can only use circular logic to convince me. Dunking me into a tub of water and bribing me aren’t going to justify that all of your arguments that god exists are based on the logic that god does exist, rendering all of your arguments, circular as they are, useless against me. I’m not stupid. I’m only 13 and my IQ is above 140 (the average adult is 125). Oh, but thanks for trying, it’s fun to try to find an argument that doesn’t find its roots in that god does exist. I am also not a communist, though communism in a perfect world is much better than capitalism, because with capitalism there cannot be a perfect world, for there will always be poor people. As an ex-Christian (Boo-Yah!), I have had the intelligence to figure out that there is no god. Pray to the milk jug.
One more thing. How can an argument truly be an argument if there is just one chance to state your point and no chance to do a rebuttal? I would prefer you didn’t put one of your stupid pictures in the middle of my argument, too.