Why Can’t Kids Understand That There Is No Such Thing As Doggy Heaven?
Comments(85) Our beloved pet dog Sandy died last Wednesday and my kids were obviously distraught by her death. Both of them haven’t stopped crying since it happened and I’ve almost been tempted by Satan to “comfort” them by saying Sandy is in Doggy Heaven.
Since then, my wife has been insisting that I tell them the “good news”. She thinks that if I tell the kids a little “white lie” that God will be alright with it. It seems that she doesn’t understand the Bible!
God firmly states that no animal can enter heaven as they have not accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as their Personal Savior. In short, dogs are unsaved, unclean and worthless compared to humans.
When it comes to God or my family, I will always pick God’s way. Why can’t she understand that I’m only doing what’s Right by God?
I could have lied to my kids and gave them false hope that Sandy was now in Doggy Heaven, but that would have been un-biblical.
What’s worse is that earlier today she told the kids herself that the dog is in Heaven, behind my back!
So an hour or so ago I did the Moral thing, called the kids in and told them that Sandy was not in Heaven, but was buried in the backyard were her bones are currently being devoured by earthworms.
I told them explicitly that they’d never see Sandy again as she was dead.
These are the facts of the matter. I did right by God. I don’t care if my kids are now hysterical. I’d rather they were depressed than deluded.
Just now my youngest daughter exhumed the mutt, hauling her body onto the kitchen floor leaving it there like a turd. She just kept waving at the corpse whispering “She still exists, there she is there!” to her Mother.
If it wasn’t for society informing our children of the god-forsaken Satanic myth of “Doggy Heaven” there would have been NONE of this confusion.
Now I have to haul this goddamn stiff beast out into my yard and bury it somewhere Godly.
Your bones will be devoured by earthworms, too. Why can’t you be honest and tell your kids that there’s no more reason to think humans are going to “heaven” than dogs?
And *Satan*? You really believe this stuff, don’t you?
what a crock!
nice parenting too! your way of forcing your belief onto your kids is great! let’s beat the faith into em since it’s space god’s will!
troll much?
You would rather have your kids depressed than deluded, and then turn around and teach them about a mythical being who created the world and put an original sin on the inhabitants which could only be forgiven by being born and sacrificing himself to himself to grant forgiveness for sins he accused them of in the first place.
Oh yeah you are just a bastion of common sense and rational thought.
might wanna straighten your tin foil hat.
Do not take the Lords name in vain!
Ahh the joys of life..its the little things like making your kids cry that get you through those tough days.
Oh yeah, there is no heaven, there is no god. You’re going to rot, just like your dog.
You are a terrible parent, teaching your children to believe works of fiction as the truth. That would be akin to me telling my children that they are descendants of the elves in Lord of the rings. Stop being silly! God is like Santa Clause except for grown-ups.
But there must be a silicon Heaven right? Otherwise, where would all the calculators go?
How do you know Doggie Heaven doesn’t exist. Maybe Dogs have their own way of celebrating god and you don’t know because you’ve never taken the time to learn doggie language?
Oh wait that response was almost as idiodic as you!
This blog cannot be real……if it is and there is truly a person with these views and opinions, filled with vile and hatred then they should be in an asylum.
“I don’t care if my kids are now hysterical. I’d rather they were depressed than deluded.”
For a Christian, you sure have a strong grasp of the one of the main facets of Atheism.
What a great satire!
Looks like Cleopatra isn’t the only queen of denial.
I agree with you entirely! I, too, will always obey the voices in my head and ancient books of myth before I even begin to consider the well-being of my loved ones! You are a truly great man.
SO I assume you have informed your kids that Santa, The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy are not real. It is a sin to tell a lie, right? So you don’t lie to your kids about them.
Man this is great….
I’m not sure if this is ‘postmodern trolling’ as art at it’s best, or if this guy has literally lost all sense of irony, but either way it’s awesome.
This whole story is obviously made up, never happened. I understand the point the author is trying to make, too bad he had to make something up.
“A shameless woman shall be counted as a dog; but she that is shamefaced will fear the Lord.” (Eccles.26:25)
“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.” (Ephesians 5:22-24)
“When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.” (Deuteronomy 25:11-12)
I don’t buy this as genuine in the least bit. What kind of severly devout christian takes the lords name in vain as he did when closing out the post.
This reads as a troll post … or at best satire
I just wanted to point out that letting a dog get as fat as the one in the picture is tantamount to animal abuse; you were horrible pet owners and I hope you do the right thing and never own pets again. That poor dog.
Sooooo….. considering Catholic Baptism offers in a child’s infancy, and cognitive expression and comprehension really doesn’t occur until later in life….
What happens to the babies that die in their infancy? By your book, would they go to hell or purgatory? Just curious.
I’ve read several of your articles and while I don’t agree with the opinions in them, I don’t feel it’s necessary to insult you about your views (as some have done).
The only question I have is, why are you so full of hate? If you truly believe in the bible, which you say repeatedly that you do, then should you not be equipped to deal with the atheists in a more positive, and Godly, manner?
Your belittlement, name calling, foul language and outright hatred towards atheists and certain individuals shows that you yourself have a long way to go before you can call yourself ‘Godly’.
Good luck.
No doggie heaven? How can anyone say that? Not a single human on the planet knows what God promised the dogs. Humans don’t speak dog for a start. There is no dog bible we know of but that does not rule out that there may be one. We could not read it in any case even if we did find it. It’s probably written in two thousand year old odors. For all we know, God may have a plan for his most perfect creation…the dog.
Some humans tell me that all we need to know about his infinite creation is in the pages of a book written two thousand years ago and that is simply the height of presumption. However, to be fair all God wants US to know is in there and that implies there may be a gread deal he does not want us to know.
The dog is capable of unconditional love. It remains by the side of a beloved master even unto death when it could easily run away. It stries to see the best in us. Bad dogs are a work of man just because a human writes it does not make it so. I maintain that any creature capable of that kind of unconditional love goes to heaven,just not the human one (and that is a tragic loss for humankind). I do not think it is incumbent upon God to tell us about dog heaven in any case as it may be none of our business. I am sure there is a great deal God has not told us about his universe if he had his ways would not be a mystery.
No, I do beleive in God because the universe is far to wonderful for it to be an accident. Moreover I believe in dogs because of all his creatures the dog is one of the few that believes in me.
You are crazy.
You are a very funny writer. Keep up the great work and do try to work on the subtlety. The jokes don’t need to be so forced.
7/10
This is obviously a fake post, trying to gin up hatred for “intolerant crazy” Christians. It’s kind of funny though. The kid digs up the body?
WOW. If this were real, you may want to start saving up for therapy. For you, and your kids. As it stands though, I call FAKE.
This is one of the funniest pro-atheist sites I have ever read. Keep up the good work (wink) !
Is this fake? I’m going to assume yes, because…well, you already tell your kids lies by telling them that God exists in the first place. Heaven is just a fabrication to comfort people with shitty lives when loved ones die… Doggy heaven is just the same thing.
Sadly, beliefs like this are all too real. I had the misfortune of growing up in an ultra-right Seventh Day Adventist environment. I even had to attend one of their boarding schools through high school. Like most other evangelical religions, they eat, sleep, breathe, pee and crap this stuff. The SDAs also obsess about going to church on Saturday and all but declare the Pope the Antichrist for “changing” the day most Xtians worship to Sunday. Failure to pay tithes to the church is “robbing God.”
Poor kids get caught up in this, and from personal experience I can say that if they discover early on that it’s a pile of bull and has nothing of reedeming value for them, their life becomes miserable until they are old enough to get out of the family.
Organized religion: a source of misery, corruption and control that plagues society to this day.
I love the picture that is circulating on the internet that says “John Lennon: Imagine No Religion” superimposed on a photo of NYC with the Twin Towers intact.
What a terrible parent.
Christian rhetoric aside, what kind of parent does what you did? I can only imagine what kind of therapy your children are going to need when they’re older. You’d rather see your children suffer than try to help them through a rough time? All for a dogma that was built on the backs of other mythologies and for a book that was assembled by old men with an agenda.
I’m inclined to believe that animals live in a state of grace. They are exactly what they were created to be. Humans on the other hand…
It’s hard to tell if this is a troll or not…
y’all niggas posting in a troll blog
See you in Asshole Heaven, asshole.
While the satire is entertaining, I find the literal comments regarding the character in the story’s behavior even more so. There’s nothing more amusing than an idiot who can’t interpret satire and sarcasm and who then proves it by opening their mouth (or typing with their fingers). Hilarious! Get a clue folks. This site PROMOTES Atheism by showing how ridiculous believing in God is. Ooops! Did I give it away??
What a pathetic excuse for a human being you are!
AND I AM REAL TOO!!!!
LOL, thats too funny. Atheists are such dweebs
RT
Now tell me someone please? If God is all-forgiving (As said in the bible), then answer my question; Why won’t he forgive your little “white lie”. Religious or not, its universally disrespectful how these over-religious individuals treat everyone around them.
They belive in words, not meanings.
Seriously, is this supposed to be satire? I can’t tell… I mean really!?
This has to be fake… No one can be this ignorant, hypocritical, and down right unaware of their own actions as a whole… I mean the whole thing is about people or beings not getting into heaven… Then at the end of the post the guy uses the lords name in vain, which in itself is sinful…
I hope this is satire, and not an honest to god post (no pun intended.)Since, if this is real the guy really missed the point when he supposedly read the entire book known as “the holy bible.”
cute dog though…
What a cock XD
How the hell did you let your dog get that fat? This is clearly a case of animal cruelty and therefor you will not get into heaven.
Idiots like you give Christianity a bad name.
Will you people just disappear already? Maybe you can all go to the middle east and fight it out there. You sure as hell deserve each other.
Excellent post. Best troll blog around. Keep it up!
You’ve already invented a god, can’t you stretch your beliefs just a bit and invent a couple more heavens where needed?
You make me feel sick, It’s comfoting to a child to hear that their loved pet is going to heaven, it’s like telling a christian jesus wasn’t God’s son (which he wasn’t he was just a prophet). if this isn’t a joke, I hope you suffer in eternal hellfire in the lowest levels of hell.
Peace out
One more–I hope this whole blog is a joke. It’s a tasteless one, but it’d be better than if you were serious.
Best satire of the hypocrisy of Christians I’ve read in a looooonnnngggg time.
Hey,
one of the best humorous websites on the web! Thank you!
DOG=GOD
Duh.
My sincere hope is your children will grow up to be athiests…. thus when they do eventually die they will be eaten by earthworms and NOT go into heaven… cause I think you pretty much fucked them up when it comes to having faith. So yeah, you go on believing in your mythical being. When you die and are being eaten by earthworms I’m sure they will hope your in your mythical place called “heaven” because for whatever strange reason your children might still love you (you have time to change there minds on that!) So once again, stop being an asshole and have some compassion for your children and for your “family” dog!!!!
This site’s a joke, right? Is this another project of those “landview baptist church” people?
There’s no mention of doggy heaven in the bible. That’s why I know it exists.
Ever heard of whisper down the lane? Well before the printing press that’s pretty much how the bible worked.
If your youngest daughter is fearlessly exhuming and handling a rotting corpse, just to prove you wrong, you won’t have to worry about her having strong beliefs when she gets older. The Church of Father-Haters is ever-growing!
hahahaha you’re a douchebag. i love it.unless you are serious. then i hope you get hit by a bus and stop stealing my oxygen.
The “real” heaven allows dogs. “Hell” doesnt allow them. Dont believe me, watch an old Twilight Zone episode, the Hunt. Written by The Waltons creator, Earl Hamner.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Hunt
I can’t believe people are taking this seriously. Are people that gullable?
Very funny indeed sir, I especially like the “doing it because The Dark One (not Barack Obama) realised that”. Comedy genuis, keep it coming.
First, no wonder the Dog is Dead. Look how fat the thing is. I haven’t seen a dog that big since Rosie O’Donald.
Secondly, this is obvisiously just a lie to get a rise out of people. As if the little girl is going to be able to dig up the hippo size dog and drag in into the house.
Christians don’t preach hate, yet, you seem to be filled to the brim with hate. If Satan has tricked anyone, my friend, it’s you. You give Christians a horrible name, it’s people like you who let the devil thrive.
You did the right thing, morally and religiously. “The truth shall set you free” and you have set them free.
If this isn’t satire, it’s absolutely horrifying to know that people like this exist.
You are a douche bag. All dogs go to heaven.
Every child that dies before they are able to speak, CONDEMNED TO HELL.
Every miscarriage, CONDEMNED TO HELL.
How can you not see the hypocrisy? Or do you actually think your God to be so horrible that he would eternally TORTURE ***BABIES*** just because they had no accepted god’s SON (not God, just his son??) as their personal savior? You’re undoubtedly a Republican. Why don’t you go out to the garage and “test” the firing mechanism against your skull.
“What’s worse is that earlier today she told the kids herself that the dog is in Heaven, behind my back!”
They’re her kids too, and her God.
How does digging up the body prove that the dog isn’t in heaven? We’ll all be in the earth until the second coming of Christ. Read your bible.
Phil Hendrie?
I am sure this page is meant to convey contempt for some group or other, but I am not sure which one.
OMG! This was hysterical! Great snark!
uh, people… chill out. I think this blog is a joke.
If it isn’t then this guys got some issues but its gotta be a joke, right?
“anti atheism, Atheism is Dumb, Evolution Sucks, Dawkins is the Antichrist”??
cant be serious.
You sir… are an idiot = P
WTF?! My two dogs are more pure in spirit and soul than you will ever be. There is no creature on this planet more worthy of heaven than a dog. I hope God sits your ass down when you get to the gates and tells you how very wrong you are…and makes you head angel of dog shit duty for all eternity!
It wouldn’t have even been an issue if you would have just eaten the dog. Then you could have told your brat of a child that the dog would live inside her forever and ever, amen. Broiled dog and gravy is good!
> Now I have to haul this goddamn stiff beast out into my yard and bury it somewhere Godly.
Using the Lord’s name in vain is fine, though.
What a shock, a hypocritical fundamentalist! LOL, ur goin to hell!
I think the only confusion was at the hospital where your children were born….someone fucked up and released them to you.
You will like hell, it’s warm.
Some of these people actually read this and didn’t see the satire? The internet can be shockingly revealing at times.
Hi God here,
Look, if all it takes is a dog to make your kids happy I’m not gonna get in the way of that. This is Heaven and I want to make your stay pleasant. Hey I make the rules right? Tell them to bring the beast along. Dead or alive. It doesn’t matter which, I can handle it. That’s how I roll.
Keep the faith,
Iehova
hey bro, i think you found a great topic here, of course i don’t entirely agree with you, but can fully understand where you are coming from.
i thought it was funny when:
“Satan’s Slut” on April 6th, 2009
said
“You are a terrible parent..” satan’s slut, haha, just the name contradicts the comment he/she made!!
Another thing man, i am really impressed with your site, this just attracts atheists – brilliant. And to get persecuted for jesus sake, man, is he gonna bless you!!
Its kinda funny i laugh at all the negetive comments, because i know what they’re all missing in their lives. And guys Jesus is coming soon!!
Fucktard.
You’re worse than those Jews that hung me.
You are seriously a horrible parent. You’d rather have your kids bawling their little eyes out for weeks, instead of telling them that their pet is going to a ‘nice place’. Dude, I’m not hating on your religion or anything because that’s just not something that I do, but, you put “God”(who has not physically PROVEN his existence..ever), above your family. So, when you die, if you do go to a place called “heaven”, and God turns to your wife and says that she can’t enter for some reason or another..you’re going to be perfectly okay with that. Sick. I hope after reading this comment you have trouble sleeping at night, knowing that your kids are probably a little more fucked up because you couldn’t just be a little more comforting.
“dogs are unsaved, unclean and worthless”
why do you have one, what the fuck did you do to that poor dog in the picture.
i’m sure that america has the same rules but in england you would be removed of your children and quite probably tried for abuse
i would rather my kids were depressed than deluded. i am not even going to say all the shit in that sentence because i only have 10 minutes but suffice to say delusion is a mental illness therefore you are deliberately making your children ill which is an imprisonable offence and that they are still just as deluded as you
are you trying to condemn children, women, atheists or someone else? you are only succeeding in condemning your own religion
please do contact me with a rebuttal
mandatmagic@hotmail.com
Though I don’t agree with atheists on many subjects, I support their outrage towards you. Personally I think you are troll baiting others in order to give Christianity a bad name. I love how you start this blog with our beloved pet Sandy and end it goddamn stiff beast. Already you contradict yourself as being dishonest.
I can’t speak on God’s behalf, but I think it’s unanimous that many think your dog will enter the Kingdom of Heaven before you do. To me, dogs are such a wonderful creation by the Lord because of the unconditional love and loyalty they show to their pet owners. It is very doubtful that they would be created just to be tossed aside once they die.
But you sir, do not show this unconditional love, which is very unchristian. You kiss God’s ass in order to go to Heaven, but truth why the hell anyone would want to have you in paradise? Reading what you wrote does not want any of us to spend eternity with you. Hell! 5 minutes of your presence is too much for a lifetime!
As I said and like most others, this story is make believe. Your whole purpose was to outrage others. Word of advice, you need to see a therapist and to get a life!
You could have just done the smart thing and teach your kids about nature, life and death, and what’s reality, as that is what you are supposed to do, prepare your children to take on the real world. Whether you are christian or not, the whole doggy heaven thing is just another passage by some old man, not God’s voice, and to believe the Bible is directly words from God, is simply retarded. Use some, possibly, God-Given sense, for your children’s sake.
No species makes it to heaven except for pathetic humans?
How convenient.
WHAT?!?!?!?!? I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS! I’M JUST A CHILD READING THIS! i CAN’T BELIEVE MY OLD DOG PEGGY SUE IS DEAD! I LVE HER TO DEATH! AND I THOUGHT: WHEN I DIE I WILL BE HAPPY ACTUALLY BECAUSE I’LL SEE HER AGAIN! THANKS TO YOU I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME! WHY???!!!!!????!!!!! :’(